Birthday thoughts cont'd

This is a second part to my previous post.

I need to stress that what I experienced -- all the revelations, realisations, joy, etc. -- represents only a fraction of my journey. I've only highlighted all the good that came out of it, but that is hardly the whole picture. I do not wish to mislead people into thinking that that is all there is to the Christian walk, that it's all smooth-sailing once you've found Christ. Or that once God touches you, you are magically transformed from a horrible sinner to a holy, always-wanting-to-do-good human being. That is erroneous in more than one level, and extremely naive, too.

First, we must realise that we have fallen natures, and that no matter what and that yes, even with God on our side, we will always fall short. Even with these awesome encounters with God, do I still struggle with sin daily? Do I still have feelings of bitterness, anger and strife? Do I still pass judgement on others and am critical, harsh and often unkind? Am I still self-centred and indulgent? Do I still lack self-control and the eight other fruits of the Spirit? Do I still constantly have to war against my flesh?

All this and more, is a resounding, "Yes!" So then, this begs the question, what is different?

There's a verse in the bible that talks about "if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation". I heard a sermon on it once, where the preacher said that the verse actually means a continuing process of change, not a one-time-deal that I've mistakenly interpreted it for. We, who live in Christ, should be continually transformed by His power and grace, and it won't be final or complete until we meet Him or He comes in His glory, whichever should come first. That means while we're still living on Earth, we will struggle with sin. But as long as we come before Him each day in true repentance, He is faithful to forgive. He knows our weakness, and in Hebrews it says we have a High Priest who can sympathise with us, because He was tempted in all ways like we are. Yes, we are supposed to be more Christlike as we follow Him, but remember that nothing is built in a day or month or even a year. It is a lifelong process, often wrought with obstacles, setbacks, detours and falls. We often lose our way, but bear in mind how gracious He is, and just like the parable of the lost sheep, He will bring us back. The other thing is to keep running the race with endurance, to keep fighting the good fight and keep pushing towards the heavenly goal.

A more complete picture of my personal devos is summed up in this Henri Nouwen quote, taken from Philip Yancey's book Reaching for the Invisible God (of which I highly recommend):

"[It is] not a time in which i experience a special closeness to God; it is not a period of serious attentiveness to the divine mysteries. I wish it were! On the contrary, it is full of distractions, inner restlessness, sleepiness, confusion, and boredom. It seldom, if ever, pleases my sense. But the simple fact of being for one hour in the presence of the Lord and of showing Him all that I feel, think, sense and experience, without trying to hide anything, must please Him. Somehow, somewhere I know that He loves me, even though I do not feel that love as I can feel a human embrace, even though I do not hear a voice as I hear human words of consolation, even though I do not see a smile, as I can see in a human face. Still God speaks to me, looks at me, and embraces me there, where I am still unable to notice it."

The part that speaks to me most, is "the simple fact of being for one hour in the presence of the Lord and of showing Him all that I feel, think, sense and experience, without trying to hide anything, must please Him." This was why He made us in the first place! So that we can commune with Him, worship Him and come to Him... just as we are.

Birthday thoughts

Another year... Someone asked if I have gotten wiser. In some ways, yes, I believe I have.

This has been a year of amazing "life" and "God" experiences -- of realisations and revelations; of paradigm shifts; of leaps and bounds; of getting past setbacks; of forgiving the past; of having my eyes opened; of being rescued; of finding that His grace IS sufficient for me; of finding how remarkably merciful He is; of soul-healing; of regrets, but more importantly, of finding hope; of trusting and waiting; of finding forgiveness and reconciliation; of restoration; of maturing in the things of God; of letting go; of being 100% sure that God exists; of Him meeting me on my terms; of being changed just by that one glimpse of His Presence; of finding that He knows me inside out; of a new lease in life -- a new heavenly perspective; of being awed by God, time and time again; of knowing without a doubt that God loves me; of the excitement that comes from wanting and getting to know Him; of realising my desperate need for Him; of being assured that nothing can separate me from His love; of finding God in unexpected places; of finding indescribable joy in communing with Him; of getting my identity back; of fixing my eyes on Jesus; of finding Jesus as my Everlasting Foundation; of finally understanding what it means to be a Christian; of drawing closer to God, and having Him respond with wide open arms; of being humbled by His awesomeness; of realising it was Him working in and through me all along; of tears and pain, but also joy... overflowing joy; of finally being at peace with myself; of learning lessons in humility; of new things; of learning to fight for what's right; of what it truly means to love and be loved...

Living life with God at the helm is nothing short of exciting -- trust me, I've tasted it. It can be like a roller coaster ride or it can be just taking one step at a time through a wide open space of nothingness. It can be like groping in the dark or it can be struggling to find my way through narrow, dangerous passages. I've found that the only thing that matters is that He's there, every painful or joyous step of the way. I can't always feel or see Him, but that doesn't change the fact that He IS there.

7 Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?
8 If I ascend into heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there.
9 If I take the wings of the morning,
And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
10 Even there Your hand shall lead me,
And Your right hand shall hold me. (Psalm 139, NKJV)

Sometimes He holds my hand through it all. Sometimes I'm too exhausted to go on, and He carries me. And yet, other times, He lets me prod along, guiding me only with His voice, because that's the only way I'll ever learn to trust Him. And it's the only way I'll learn to move from childish reliance to mature trust.

I've only just begun this journey, but I look forward with eager, childlike anticipation towards living the rest of my life with and for Him. I know it will not be ordinary.

Merry Christmas, everyone, and I wish you all a truly blessed New Year.