Birthday thoughts cont'd

This is a second part to my previous post.

I need to stress that what I experienced -- all the revelations, realisations, joy, etc. -- represents only a fraction of my journey. I've only highlighted all the good that came out of it, but that is hardly the whole picture. I do not wish to mislead people into thinking that that is all there is to the Christian walk, that it's all smooth-sailing once you've found Christ. Or that once God touches you, you are magically transformed from a horrible sinner to a holy, always-wanting-to-do-good human being. That is erroneous in more than one level, and extremely naive, too.

First, we must realise that we have fallen natures, and that no matter what and that yes, even with God on our side, we will always fall short. Even with these awesome encounters with God, do I still struggle with sin daily? Do I still have feelings of bitterness, anger and strife? Do I still pass judgement on others and am critical, harsh and often unkind? Am I still self-centred and indulgent? Do I still lack self-control and the eight other fruits of the Spirit? Do I still constantly have to war against my flesh?

All this and more, is a resounding, "Yes!" So then, this begs the question, what is different?

There's a verse in the bible that talks about "if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation". I heard a sermon on it once, where the preacher said that the verse actually means a continuing process of change, not a one-time-deal that I've mistakenly interpreted it for. We, who live in Christ, should be continually transformed by His power and grace, and it won't be final or complete until we meet Him or He comes in His glory, whichever should come first. That means while we're still living on Earth, we will struggle with sin. But as long as we come before Him each day in true repentance, He is faithful to forgive. He knows our weakness, and in Hebrews it says we have a High Priest who can sympathise with us, because He was tempted in all ways like we are. Yes, we are supposed to be more Christlike as we follow Him, but remember that nothing is built in a day or month or even a year. It is a lifelong process, often wrought with obstacles, setbacks, detours and falls. We often lose our way, but bear in mind how gracious He is, and just like the parable of the lost sheep, He will bring us back. The other thing is to keep running the race with endurance, to keep fighting the good fight and keep pushing towards the heavenly goal.

A more complete picture of my personal devos is summed up in this Henri Nouwen quote, taken from Philip Yancey's book Reaching for the Invisible God (of which I highly recommend):

"[It is] not a time in which i experience a special closeness to God; it is not a period of serious attentiveness to the divine mysteries. I wish it were! On the contrary, it is full of distractions, inner restlessness, sleepiness, confusion, and boredom. It seldom, if ever, pleases my sense. But the simple fact of being for one hour in the presence of the Lord and of showing Him all that I feel, think, sense and experience, without trying to hide anything, must please Him. Somehow, somewhere I know that He loves me, even though I do not feel that love as I can feel a human embrace, even though I do not hear a voice as I hear human words of consolation, even though I do not see a smile, as I can see in a human face. Still God speaks to me, looks at me, and embraces me there, where I am still unable to notice it."

The part that speaks to me most, is "the simple fact of being for one hour in the presence of the Lord and of showing Him all that I feel, think, sense and experience, without trying to hide anything, must please Him." This was why He made us in the first place! So that we can commune with Him, worship Him and come to Him... just as we are.

Birthday thoughts

Another year... Someone asked if I have gotten wiser. In some ways, yes, I believe I have.

This has been a year of amazing "life" and "God" experiences -- of realisations and revelations; of paradigm shifts; of leaps and bounds; of getting past setbacks; of forgiving the past; of having my eyes opened; of being rescued; of finding that His grace IS sufficient for me; of finding how remarkably merciful He is; of soul-healing; of regrets, but more importantly, of finding hope; of trusting and waiting; of finding forgiveness and reconciliation; of restoration; of maturing in the things of God; of letting go; of being 100% sure that God exists; of Him meeting me on my terms; of being changed just by that one glimpse of His Presence; of finding that He knows me inside out; of a new lease in life -- a new heavenly perspective; of being awed by God, time and time again; of knowing without a doubt that God loves me; of the excitement that comes from wanting and getting to know Him; of realising my desperate need for Him; of being assured that nothing can separate me from His love; of finding God in unexpected places; of finding indescribable joy in communing with Him; of getting my identity back; of fixing my eyes on Jesus; of finding Jesus as my Everlasting Foundation; of finally understanding what it means to be a Christian; of drawing closer to God, and having Him respond with wide open arms; of being humbled by His awesomeness; of realising it was Him working in and through me all along; of tears and pain, but also joy... overflowing joy; of finally being at peace with myself; of learning lessons in humility; of new things; of learning to fight for what's right; of what it truly means to love and be loved...

Living life with God at the helm is nothing short of exciting -- trust me, I've tasted it. It can be like a roller coaster ride or it can be just taking one step at a time through a wide open space of nothingness. It can be like groping in the dark or it can be struggling to find my way through narrow, dangerous passages. I've found that the only thing that matters is that He's there, every painful or joyous step of the way. I can't always feel or see Him, but that doesn't change the fact that He IS there.

7 Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?
8 If I ascend into heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there.
9 If I take the wings of the morning,
And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
10 Even there Your hand shall lead me,
And Your right hand shall hold me. (Psalm 139, NKJV)

Sometimes He holds my hand through it all. Sometimes I'm too exhausted to go on, and He carries me. And yet, other times, He lets me prod along, guiding me only with His voice, because that's the only way I'll ever learn to trust Him. And it's the only way I'll learn to move from childish reliance to mature trust.

I've only just begun this journey, but I look forward with eager, childlike anticipation towards living the rest of my life with and for Him. I know it will not be ordinary.

Merry Christmas, everyone, and I wish you all a truly blessed New Year.

Here I come...

I'm moving to KL. Tomorrow.

It's been an insane month. I'm just really thankful, for everything. Am very excited about moving ... finally!

Random thoughts

It's durian season -- yay! I haven't had a decent durian in way too long. Oh and rambutans and mangosteens, too. I absolutely love mangosteens.

I met Rosie and some other friends for supper last night. She introduced me to this guy called Timothy who was here to conduct a week-long audio and music workshop. He looked at us and asked if we were sisters, and we both simultaneously said, "Best friends." That made me smile.

I saw The Lake House, and though it was slow at first and rather bizzare (I mean, c'mon, this woman is communicating with a guy from the past?), I enjoyed it immensely. I almost cried at the end.

I counted the books I've read over the past five months since I've been home and the total came to 23 books. I've never read so much before. I guess I've never had so much time before either. I just finished J.D. Salinger's The Catcher in the Rye. That is one of the most randomest books I've ever read! Can someone please tell me why it's considered one of the great American novels? I didn't get it. Now I'm reading Northanger Abbey by Jane Austen. I adore her.

My church is gonna have a new senior pastor, and I'm excited about that. We're gonna have to go through a time of readjusting and what not, but I think it's gonna be great. I can't wait to meet him this week!

Lish and I were talking about how Pres. Roberts is truly a teacher 'cause he can somehow say the same things every honor-code chapel every semester with the same gusto, like he's saying it for the first time. My favorite P. Rob quote is, "When God tells you to jump, you say how high on the way up." Oh we were in stitches. That man can be so hilarious, without meaning to of course.

I'm gonna attempt to exercise for the first time in two years this afternoon. I'm already dreading it. I dislike perspiring.

My God!

This song has been and still is the cry of my heart.

There must be more than this
O breath of God, come breathe within
There must be more than this
Spirit of God, we wait for You

Fill us anew we pray
Fill us anew we pray

Consuming fire
Fan into flame
A passion for Your Name
Spirit of God
Would You fall in this place
Lord have Your way
Lord have Your way with us

Come like the rushing wind
Cloth us with power from on high
Now set the captives free
Leave us abandoned to Your praise

Lord let Your glory fall
Lord let Your glory fall

Consuming fire
Fan into flame
A passion for Your name
Spirit of God
Would You fall in this place
Lord have Your way
Lord have Your way with us

Stir it up in our hearts, Lord
Stir it up in our hearts, Lord
Stir it up in our hearts
A passion for Your Name.

Bear with me here, this is gonna be a long post.

I had the most amazing late night/early morning time with God today, which lasted five hours. Oh my gosh, it was nothing short of amazing! But let's back track a little. A team from Youth Alive from an AG church in West M'sia came and held a conference, and little did I know how powerfully God was gonna use this time. I have been experiencing a dry period in my spiritual life, because I chose to continue in my obstinacy and rebel instead of relying on God for strength. I felt that I had a right not to obey. Yeah, I know, it sounds so foolish writing that now but believe me, it wasn't three months ago. Oh no.

Last Sunday, the director of YA, Ps. Julie Khoo, spoke on prayer. Now, I am not boasting when I say that I've pretty much heard most of all there is to say about the virtues of prayer, having been brought up in church all my life and having attended a Christian uni where there were chapel services twice weekly. So forgive my arrogance, but I did sincerely feel like there's nothing about prayer that I didn't already know. But instead of getting a "how-to" from Ps. Julie, we got testimony after testimony of the power of prayer in her life. And it is exciting! She was literally bursting with excitement for her God and King! It was so refreshing to see that. So, yes, the Holy Spirit convicted me, and I told Him I will start praying again.

Now, the problem with me about spending time with God is not really an issue of discipline -- whether I can wake up or do it consistently. The problem with me is that I have no real desire to want to know God. It might be shocking to some, seeing how I've been a Christian for 23 long years, but yes, the truth was, I couldn't care less. Yes, I know He died for me and it's all good, but it just wasn't personal. And I didn't want this time to be like the others, where I spent time with God because it was my duty.

But even though I was apathetic, God had started a stirring in my heart. When I heard the song above, I knew that was what I wanted. I couldn't stand being a nominal Christian anymore! I knew I needed a change. Then the second stirring came during last Sunday's preaching. So on Monday, I started praying. I didn't spend more than five minutes on it, but at that time I thought, hey, five minutes is better than none, right? I earnestly cried out to Jesus to create in me such a hunger and desire for Him in my life like never before. I told Him that I know that if He doesn't give me this desire, if He doesn't revive my heart, there is no way I can do it on my own. I can't make the desire to want God more in my life; He has to do it! And so I cried out to God, and quoted Jer. 33:3, which says

Call to Me, and I will answer you, and show you great and mighty things, which you know not.

The whole time, I just kept repeating this promise that He implanted in my heart.

On Tuesday, nothing happened.

But woah, on Wednesday, after I got back from cell group, my mind was racing 100 miles a minute because of all that God had started to show me. I started journaling everything that He impressed upon my heart, and the more I wrote and read the Bible, the more excited I got. I would have shouted for joy if it wasn't past midnight! Oh, I was filled with joy overflowing. My cup ran over and over and over and over! I couldn't stop thanking God, praising God and praying and rejoicing! He revealed so many things to me, that I filled 25 pages of my journal!

OH my gosh, this is so powerful! I cannot believe I've missed it all this time! But God reminded me of Ecc. 3 which says somewhere along the lines of, there is a time and season for EVERYTHING. I believe this breakthrough came only today was because it was meant to be for such a time as this. The time of weeping is over; the time of breaking down is over; the time of mourning is over. For His joy and laughter has come and it is time to rebuild His altar in my heart!

OK, here's the revelation: That pursuing a love-relationship with MY PERSONAL God is the MOST IMPORTANT thing I will ever do. It will be the most fulfilling and satisfying thing in my life on earth. This is what I was made for! I was made to have an intimate relationship with my Creator and Master! OK, so some of you may be like, huh? Well, duh? I don't know if I can convey what this means to me to you. It's like something clicked on the inside of me, and for the first time, what I know in my MIND has made the huge leap into my HEART. This is only now real to me!

The Psalmist in Ps. 84 said, "For a day in your courts is better than a thousand [elsewhere]." When I re-read this verse yesterday, my whole being cried out because THIS is what I want, above all else! I want to be able to say, that yes, I've experienced the Lord's awesome and powerful presence, and even though it's only ONE day, I would rather have this day than a thousand elsewhere, climbing that corporate ladder and making millions. Why? Because the fame and millions I will not be able to take with me, once my earthly body perishes. Yes, I've been told this many times, but it is only now that I feel the weight of it all.

I mean, c'mon! What is the point of busting my butt at building my career and making money so that I will live comfortably and can afford a private jet, mansions, private islands, designer clothes, personal trainers and chefs when NONE of them will follow me in the afterlife? I forfeit all wealth, recognition and fame at death. I am in my mid-20s, and I'm probably only gonna live for the another 60 years (God-willing). How can earthly riches COMPARE to building up treasures in heaven, where no moth or rust will destroy and where I can enjoy for ALL ETERNITY? Can we just let that word, ETERNITY, sink in for a moment. It means FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER! Just like my relationship with Jesus will last forever and ever and ever 'til the end of days and some more. My relationship with God will transcend death. Isn't it so much more worthwhile to run after God and love Him for the next 60 years and BEYOND? Earthly riches can only satisfy me for the next six decades, and it can only satisfy me in my flesh. But, my Lord Jesus Christ, can and will satisfy me in my body, mind and soul -- every single part of me. When I focus my eyes on Jesus, everything else that this world has to offer pales in comparison to my awesome God. He is my all-consuming fire.

I sense a revival coming in Ssbah, and various men and women of God have spoke prophetically about this ever since I came back three months ago. I give all glory to God for answering my prayer of giving me a hunger for Him. Oh! He answered my prayer exceedingly, abundantly above all that I could ask or imagine! He surpassed my human expectations! Not only that, He answered me and showed me great and mighty things when I cried out to Him! This is the time and season for me to rise up, to forsake the old, and embrace this new thing the Lord has started in me! I am so thankful to my God, and to my mom who never stopped praying for me.

Lord, God, I thank you from the bottom of my heart, for rekindling this fire within me for You. Continue to fan the flame Lord, and to keep it burning until the day I meet You face to face or Your second coming. Come quickly Lord!

Sun, sand and sea. What more can I ask for?

I had a God-awesome weekend!

A bunch of us when to Pulau Manukan, and it was fantastic. It was extra cool this time because a lifeguard took me to the exact spots to see fish and coral! What was even more siok was that he held my hand and pulled me along so that I didn't have to swim. And then he skinned-dive and picked up numerous stuff like starfishes (even an teeny-beety redish-orange one), sea cucumbers (ewww) and shells. Wow, what an experience. I got rather tan from being out at sea for so long, but hey, it was worth it.

But alas, none of us brought a camera, so there's no pictures.

I definitely want to go again! And some of my S'porean friends might be visiting me this month!!! How exciting! :) OH guys, please do come!

Rude awakening

I've been home for a little over two months, and already, the euphoria has wore off. It's so disappointing in many ways. I am starting to think it wasn't a good idea to come home after all.

I miss the malls in Dallas. I miss Thai and Viet food. I miss Quiktrip. I miss the restaurants. I miss the theaters! Oooh I am so movie-deprived here. The only movies that get here are blockbusters, and I can only take so many of them. I miss independent films and artistic films and films with "nobodies." I miss Netflix. I miss my car. I miss my independence. I miss not having people up in my business all the time. I miss making my own decisions. I miss the Taiwan Cafe at Chinatown. I even miss the highways/freeways/roads (no potholes). I miss Wendy's. The burgers here are pathetic. I miss the autumn and spring seasons. I miss going on road trips. I miss Wal-mart, believe it or not. I miss the pancakes at First Watch. I miss Barnes and Nobles, oh so much! I haven't been book-shopping for too long. Needless to say, the selection in bookstores here make me wanna cry because it's so paltry. Ohhhhhh, I miss it all.

Sigh. It's sad, isn't it?

Pensive

I am discontented. I want to complain and protest against the unfairness of it all. But I won't. I will suck it up and keep at it, 'cause 'tis life.